wwtimes2
latrine engineer
Joined: 29 Feb 2008
Posts: 10
Location: Tail of Master
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 Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:44 pm Post subject: TOOL DEFINITIONS |
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DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar
stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your soda
across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the
workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned
guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Yeouw....'
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until
you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond the original
intended target object.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs
into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.
If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense
welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects
in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel
hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles,
they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been
searching for the last 45 minutes.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles
for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have
installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a
trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill
bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything
you forgot to disconnect.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light,
it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,' which is not otherwise
found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40- watt
light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during,
say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light,
its name is somewhat misleading. The accessory socket within the base,
has been permanently rendered useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power
to shock the mechanic senseless.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids,
opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert
common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power
plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose
to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which were last over
tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as
a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object
we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes,
but only while in use. It is also useful for removing large chunks of human
flesh from the user's hands.
DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab
and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs.
It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big hammer
_________________
Wally West
17 Master Can
Living a dream! |
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